All of it

I've started about a thousand blog posts in my head recently. I committed about a hundred of them to draft, in one form or another-- iPhone note, bullet points at a boring meeting, a Post-it, and even an Outlook draft. None of them are worth posting.

What I want to write about right now is this internal conflict I've been feeling for the last six months or so. On the one hand, my life is wonderful. On the other hand, there are Things I want for myself and my family that I want to attain so badly it makes my brain hurt. In the middle are Things of Great Suckitude that have been plaguing me since layoffs in March.

I haven't blogged about any of this because

1. My life is really wonderful
2. I don't want to sound like a whiner, because my life is wonderful
3. I'm not 100% certain of my blog audience and the last thing you want is to say something you'll regret... and end up dooced.
   
4. It's really selfish (and so typically American) to want more and more and more, without ever appreciating what you really have.
   
5. I'm not sure my desires are realistic or attainable, so I've been trying to surgically remove them from my brain. I have failed.
   

So, here goes:

I want a job that I love, that I care about, that makes me feel like I'm making a difference in people's lives. I have this job, or at least I used to... lately I feel so unmotivated that I'm finding myself-- for the first time ever-- really dreading going to work each day. I know it's only temporary, that it will all come full circle in just a few years. But that doesn't make tomorrow any easier.

I want to stay at home with Noah. We're closer to that point now than I ever thought we could be, but not close enough to make it a reality. I love my days off with the Boy. He's funny and engaging and I find enjoyment in little things like making pico de gallo from scratch and scrubbing the cabinets with my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. I get to the end of my "weekend" and think, I could get used to this.

So, in short, I want to work and I want to enjoy it, and I want to stay home and love it. I want the impossible. I want it so bad my bones ache. Like an itch you can't scratch, this is a desire that can't be attained, and I have no idea what to do about it.

And then there's the guilt. Because, let's face it, I already have it all. A house we can afford, a husband I love, a kid so cute he can light up entire cities, a job with a fantastic company anyone would be proud to work for. Isn't it unbelievably selfish to want more?

And then I think, Well, I don't want it for me, exactly. I want it for Noah. I want Noah to say that his mom was always there to pick him up from school, that she made fantastic dinners and thought up the best games for him to play. And for me, if I have to work, shouldn't I love it? Is that so much to ask? I want that for Noah, too-- if I have to work, I want him to be able to say that his Wonderful Uncle Vincent taught him about Batman and Star Trek while his mom worked at the best playground a parent can provide for her child, and that she came home happy and fulfilled, with enough energy left over to make dinner and play games.

A couple months ago, I made a deal with myself: Stick it out through November. If Things still Suck after Thanksgiving, I can quit my job (saving me from a super-sucky Christmas). We'll make it work financially. What would be more prudent would be to stick it out until we're ready for Kid the Second, so as to utilize the fantastic maternity leave options offered by my company and the great state of California. But we're nowhere near that point now, and while the last 18 months have indeed flown by, if I were to measure that in 10-hour shifts my head would explode.

I don't have a good conclusion for this post. Which is the other reason why I haven't written it-- how on earth do you end a post about your own selfishness? It's so arrogant to think I can pull up to the drive-thru of life, and when asked for my order, answer: Hi, I'd like it All, please? That's right, everything on the menu. Now, preferably. Thanks bunches! and then expect to be directed to the pick-up window, bypassing any form of payment.

So anyway, that's where I've been. That's where I'm at. Cute toddler post coming soon.